January 6

Couldn’t sleep last night, surprise.

Gray and rainy today in Seattle, classic winter day. Went out last night to watch the Eagles/Seahawks game and indulged in way too much beer/pizza/ice cream. But I don’t feel too bad about it considering that for the first time ever I ran a full 10 miles. I am incredibly proud and excited about that. Never thought I would do that. Ever. And I felt excited at the end. It took me an hour and 45 minutes but hey, I did that.

First full week of the year which is always a little intimidating. I have trouble focusing as it is, but really want to make it a productive day. I think I might just make a list of stuff to do and call it a day after? Or go through emails? I guess I’ll see. If there were a few things in life I wish I were legit good at, it’d be:

  • focusing and being productive at work
  • actually wanting to eat the food I meal prep
  • hanging up clothes after I wear/wash them

I’d be unstoppable.

January 5

Gonna be a random hodge-podge of thoughts today.

I was watching SNL Friday night in lieu of date night (ugh) and had the intro skit, which I usually skip because it’s just political ramblings and I am so annoyed by the whole drama but they had this Elizabeth Warren skit with some hilarious lines. Kate McKinnon is also an absolute gem of the American public. “Health care is my despacito” – how do you get that funny?? I do not know.

Anyways, yesterday was day of fun with Jeremy. He’s pretty politically attuned so it was nice getting a breakdown of the current events in a way I could actually digest. We brunched, we chatted, we cried and laughed, just overall good day with a good friend. And as promised, he had wisdom nuggets to pass along. We talked about all pain, like big and small pain we carry around, and he asked,

“If we don’t feel the trauma we go through and process is, how would it compound and affect our lives?”

Or something like that. Maybe I am paraphrasing. I don’t know the answer regardless, though. Ask yourself and let me know if you come up with anything.

Else, today is Avik’s birthday. The same Avik I spent 3 years of life with. Happy birthday, buddy.

I had some other thoughts yesterday, too. I had a moment going to cycling class where a dog eyed me, and refused to move until his owner let him come pet me. It was adorable and innocent and a really happy moment, and I let myself recognize that it was a really sweet moment.

It was nice. I felt really happy.

I went through all yesterday still trying to hone in on actual goals to focus on for 2020. I know I want to be on TV, I don’t know why or how but that’d be cool so I can work to that. And health goals are seeming more and more attractive to me, likely because it’s the only thing I can control it feels like some times. Work and professional, we still don’t know.

I have also realized I am such a people pleaser. Trying to just reflect on that a big and figure out if this is about me being codependent or just trying to get people to like me or what. But being a people pleaser doesn’t seem bad until you realize that your boss’ validation will absolutely make you work 10x harder and burn out and then you realize maybe just maybe it’s getting a little out of hand.

You know, I don’t really feel like writing anymore today. Feeling forced, so gonna dip out, make some tea, and go run.

Make it a good one.

January 4

Today may get written in two parts. I’m sitting at my dining table drinking my crazy Chinese tea (it’s called Blue People and it’s amazing) paying rent, cheating on chess, and then heading to the gym.

Today is the first Saturday of the year. I have plans with a friend I have not seen in a while, and him and I are going to catch in spectacular Seattle fashion. We will be attending a drag show brunch. And it might just be the start of the day. My whole calendar is booked with the “Jeremy & Christine’s Day of Fun” event. Ever thankful for friends with therapists as parents because he usually leaves me some good stuff to chew on. For example, when my 3 year relationship ended and I began dating again, I immediately would want things to go monogamous. To which, he asked, why? And not just why – he said, what happened in your life that make it so that being exclusive has all the power and importance and not just you two being together? Dude, I DID NOT KNOW.

So I am sure I will come back with some nuggets of wisdom that I’ll document on here so that I don’t forget them. Also debating going out to drag brunch today wearing a wig. Seems obnoxious yet suiting for the place.

Prior to brunch, though, I told myself gym for lifting and then cycling but it’s almost time for cycling so look how well I procrastinated.

January 3

How the heck am I supposed to know my life’s purpose and with what time am I supposed to discover new hobbies and passions to find my way there?

Crossing the bridge to Bellevue now and it is my favorite part of the daily commute from Seattle. Glassy water and a towering mountain in the background. All blue and white and gorgeous. There are some lovely moments in life.

Turns out M. (bestie from Cleveland/Madrid days) is feeling quite similarly about life and purpose. Why is it when we feel so lost we want to jump to another country? Is that what we are actually supposed to do? Are we getting “called”? Or are we seeking distraction? Are we just so desperate for a shake up that we are willing to go to the most random and uncomfortable spots on earth working odd end jobs to Eat, Pray, Love ourselves a little bit?

I saw a David Goggins post yesterday about motivation. He’s no B.S. and I love it. He called himself out. He was giving himself excuses: he’s working towards his goals, he’s putting in time, he’s reading the right stuff. This is when he wasn’t seeing results. Then he realized he’s lazy and somewhere in the back of mind is okay with being mediocre in life. I think that’s me too. I think I have to fight the same demon. I feel too comfortable. But it sounds exhausting putting in all the time to make the big life changes doesn’t it? And what if you take 1 step forward in 1,000 different directions? You’re just doing a shuffle that constantly finds you back at square 1. But as many an Instagram post reminds me, it’s the journey not the destination. Which sounds like a pleasant answer to not making it in life, but whatever. Positivity and what not.

3 days in and I actually looked forward to writing this this morning. I had a string of thoughts yesterday during the day and at night I remember wanting to include in my next morning’s note, but I don’t remember them now. And that’s okay. Just feeling like I can even look forward to a daily task is a refreshing feeling. We shall see how long it lasts for.

I truly put effort in to trying to sleep last night and got 7 hours. No eating past 7, no screens past 7, cleaned and read and made tea. All that and 9 mg of melatonin and a girl can sleep. Who knew? Didn’t give myself enough time to workout this morning but still got 15 min in that gym so taking that as a win. And actually kind of enjoyed the night? I felt productive instead of lazy? When you think of just leaving work and coming home to watch tv it feels a bit sad. When you replace it with chores and reading I felt accomplished and tired.

Feeling a bit like a lost and uninspired puppy treading water, but trying desperately to be positive and find tiny moments to be grateful for.

January 2

Despite my measly 4 hours of sleep NYE and my complete exhaustion and lack of motivation yesterday, my tired self slept from midnight to 5 AM. And then meditated until 5:20. Then 6. But at 6:30 I was 2 slices of pizza in and booked myself a cycle class. I’m exhausted. Feeling sad? Frustrated at my sleep schedule. But the sleep app I was trying to meditate with had some nice wins I’m going to try to remember. (I think it was called Prizz? I’ll check again tonight).

  1. Tell your body that even if you don’t sleep, you will be able to make it through the day.
  2. Trust your body to do what it does naturally.
  3. Tell your body it is safe and just breathe.
  4. We are not our thoughts.

I’ve heard that last one a lot, but it resonated last night. Maybe because I think I got a wee bit rejected by a boy, but boys tend to be a mind encompassing thought for me. They’re fun to think about and a “fun” kind of stress – except when they make you feel down. Which is I think what is happening now. So it was nice to realize that I am more than these stupid, shallow, and vapid thoughts lol. And then same goes for work frustrations! I am more than my tiredness or complaints or even accomplishments. I don’t know how exactly yet but give me like 8 months on this meditation and sleep and self-love thing and we will see what happens.

Then back to point 1. Telling my body to relax doesn’t work. Telling my body that even if the stress wins out today, we will be okay – that’s something new.

Of course, it’s still on my mind that my lack of sleep is probably contributing to my lack of focus and thus my frustration and apathy for life right now and then also the leading cause of my immune system having been compromised since October but, you know. Baby steps.

I was so tired at cycling class that I felt completely out of body, but a little win for us with non-modelesque bodies, I went sports bra only for the top. Why not? Felt okay about it too. Dark lighting makes us all look good.

January 1

Starting this as a way to keep myself accountable for journaling and moving forward each day. I can promise cheesy and sappy messaging, and bad attempts at jokes.

If you want to follow along, feel free to subscribe. Hopefully it will be at least entertaining.

So let’s give some background.

Professionally: Before I landed myself at (insert large company here), I was hustling, I was trying to get noticed, to get a side hustle, to sell a blog, to flip a domain – I mean, I was desperate for income. Then I got a comfy job and a cushy salary and that just kinda killed my edge. I just lost the drive.

Hobbies: See above for how baller I used to. I tried to sling face scrubs, lip balms, natural deodorants, travel blogs, business blogs, personal blogs, tried flipping websites, dude, like, anything. And then since moving to the West Coast….uh, not too much going on here. Tried playing piano tonight for the first time in 2 months (after an 11 year hiatus) for 10 minutes. Tried a meme instagram. Tried a travel one. Tried Tik Toks. Said I want to read more, dance more, learn languages. I want to work on it and “enrich” “my” “life” but I also want to be famous or something so I don’t know if hobbies will get me there. Just trying to be transparent.

Health: Used to be chubs. Then started working out. Started running a lot more. Casually can run a 10K before work, so besides needing to tighten up nutrition, this part is going okayish.

School: Joined an online grad program. It’s okay. I’m tired.

Friends: Gotta prioritize these people more.

Love: 2019 I ended a 3 year relationship. I’ve since had a sad string of me having crushes which in ends me either getting bored 3 dates in, or in a less than ideal situation with someone I actually am crushing on a wee bit.

It’s not feeling real “on track” or “super exciting” or “inspiring” and it’s making me feel like I need to figure this stuff out.

So, join the journey and all that. As far as the dumb blog name? I don’t know. Try coming up with a good name when you’re trying to also not lose momentum to write this.

Closing out day 1 of the decade.

Go to bed, kids.