January 18

Wrote part of this on the 17th, but life and a concert kept me from posting.

The date from the other night was fine. ‘A’ as we will call him was fine. We talked a lot about the weather and cooking. Which are not my favorite topics, but he himself…so nice.

Last night I got 6 hours of sleep which feels amazing and needed but I’m still stuffy and annoyed over it. I want to be one of those people that can fall asleep anywhere.

My sis can do it, why did that gene skip me? I want it. Gimme.

Today is Friday, it’s 7:30 (note: editing now, it is Saturday at 1:15), I’m en route to Bellevue to work out before another day of training the new guy while also trying to balance my entire job. Listening to the Mac Miller Circles album. Gentle start to the day.

Here’s what the workout today is looking like:

Strength: 5 RFT (rounds for time)
-400 m run
-u7 push-ups
-5 split jerks with 15-20 lb dumbbells, each side
-10 alternating lunges with 15-20 lb dumbbells

Treadmill: 30 min. with increasing speed
-3 min at 5.5, 5.8, 6.0, 6.3, 6.6., 6.9, 7.2, 7.5, 7.8, 8.1

And then I shower and work. And let’s see. What kind of motivation can I drum up for a final day of work this week.

I have been thinking a lot about living with intention. And waste. Because the physical waste we leave actually has a physical trail. It’s undeniable. It’s your own pile of crap. I wonder if the same can be said or found for energy we put out. Like throughout a day. Can I find ways to smooth out energy levels for sustained work rather than sprints leading to energy trash. Idk. Maybe the concept has legs but kinda sounds dumb to me.

BCJ + SRG (I’m trying real hard to use fake names so this whole thing doesn’t bite me in the butt locally) are going to the Cold War Kids concert tonight. Muy muy excited.

Okay now I got to the part where my writing from Friday is gone. I am sitting on my butt trying to convince my body that I am not actually sick while watching Brittany Runs a Marathon. Munich friend is in town, and I want a night out with him. We always have great conversations about philosophy and life, and I love how those conversations stretch me. Also gets me thinking about the requirements I have for people to be in my life. I would like to work to helping all my friends raise the bar in self-love and self-acceptance and positive impact.

Deleted and re-downloaded Snapchat around 100 times so I can try to ween myself off of sending pics.

I think I’m going to try to focus more on visualizing goals. I think that’s supposed to work. Yesterday’s workout was such a freaking butt kicker but I do remember having a thought at one point, maybe when speed was reaching 7.5 or so. Which – by the way – holding speeds between 7 and 8 mph for 15 min is HARD. But I remember trying to re-frame as “new normal” and “I can do this” and I mean like, I had to stop to breathe, but mindset and visualization, man….it might be key.

But real talk, I think I’ve gained some weight. So going to try really hard to reel in my nutrition because everything else is kinda falling into place. Like, work. Hard but going well. Nails are strong and growing for the first time. And friends, I love them. But bad food is my fallback. The last demon I have to crush. Trying to reframe it as I *want* to eat the healthy option and not I *should.* Still want Buffalo Wild Wings though.

90 min slow run today. I cannot wait. Screw this cold.

January 16

Rolling Stones dude is moving to London.

This is going to be a boy-heavy post. Reader be warned.

We had plans to hang last night. I did not want to because my skin is breaking out from massage oils from my weekend Oregon spa trip as well as my back from running. I legitimately might have to write a whole post about running acne because I have tried everything and I have some product recommendations. No one wants to talk about it but we all get it!! Right?? And if we talked about it more than maybe I wouldn’t feel so self conscious about it?? But like a crazy person I legit text him saying “okay I think I can hang out at 7 but I have to tell you I am so super embarrassed about my skin breaking out. Like to the point I didn’t want to see you today.” I am nothing if not dramatic. But anyways, ended up meeting him and his coworker last night at Warehouse for a bit and then he came over to do a puzzle. That’s not even a euphemism. I’ve been working on my Banff puzzle for forever. Slowly but surely.

But yeah, as we were sipping tea and puzzling, he dropped the bomb about moving.

What would you do, oh silent reader?

Would you cut him off right then and there because it’s not like you guys are exclusive now anyways?

Or would you lean into the loving and laughing you two have and just enjoy the end, denying that you’re holding on to the hope that he will move back to Seattle one day?

I do not know. But I have a hunch what I’m going to do and I’m annoyed at it.

Spent the rest of the night thinking that over while working on a doc due at 8 AM. As did work dude. And he, by the way, has been pretty silent. I finally called him out on that and he listed tiredness and work and fatigue and stress and anxiety and then we haven’t stopped talking since.

Of course I went from being bold and detached right back to dreaming of potential with him. Anxiety? I got you. Sleep issues? Me too, let’s he nap buddies. Where does my people pleasing end? The bounds do not exist.

I started researching some articles on success in relationships. One article was saying that relationships don’t have to last forever to be successful and I thought that was pretty cool. Kinda comforting considering I’m zero for all in terms of lifelong lasting relationships lol. The other bit I remember was something saying you need to visualize for a full 17 seconds the potential of the alternate reality you’re scared of to start helping yourself over it. So for me, envisioning Rolling Stones dude and work dude as “just a friend” or, more drastically, cutting them off completely. I will have both as a friend, but they’re not right for me for a partner. I’ll take the lessons they have to teach me, and move along to seek more substance and to continue to improve myself. I have a lot to do in the area of self-improvement, and grateful for the time to do it.

At work today I randomly met some dude who happens to be running the same half marathon as me in Zion. What are the odds? Low. Like 2%. And yes, of course, the thought passed my mind “it’s a sign! destined to be friends!” hahaha wouldn’t be me apparently if I didn’t.

I’ve slept 4 hours per night since the start of the year excluding the blissful Oregon retreat. Missing that relaxed feeling hardcore. Before working my night shift (emails from the couch) I’m going on a date. Dude is named A. for purposes of blog. He seems funny. I gave him my number. He text “knock knock.” I forgot to text back. 24 hours later he sent a gif of a dude kicking down a door. That secured the date because I was mentally cancelling it. But that gif game stronggggg.

I stopped in to Evergreens and bought a La Croix to earn the right to sit on the warmish inside of their building to type this all out since I didn’t get to this morning.

It’s time for me to go.

January 15

Last night my legs were so tired from running and lifting that they buckled when I went down the stairs. Felt great lol. I felt like such an athlete hahaha.

This morning got up SUPER early (read: same time as normal, just pity play there) to go to the gym for my workout, but some idiot keeps deciding to mess with the treadmills at the gym so I’m standing there trying to figure out if I should run outside but instead packed up my bag and headed to the shuttle to workout at the office gym. Who wants to guess I end up forgetting an article of clothing? I’d put a tenner on it.

Crossing the bridge now and there really is not a better view than the water and the mountains and the sunrise. And Rainier just absolutely POPPING. What a babe.

So yesterday was a pretty long post and felt good to get those thoughts out. I have some random notes I want to get out on here but I don’t really have a way to add some value other than dropping a random string of thoughts so not sure how to do that. I’ll just tell you about the rest of my morning instead. There’s not too much to add, just that when I was walking to the shuttle a racoon jumped out and scared me and I dropped my phone. It cracked.

Almost to work gym for workout. 40 min run today.

Incline at 0
-1 min at 5.0 speed
-3 min at 6.5, 7, 7.4, 7.8, 7.8
Incline to 10
-1 min. at 2.5 speed
-1 min. at 5, 5, 5.2, 5.4, 5.4
Incline to 0
-1 min at 2.5
-1 min at 8, 8.5, 9, 9.2, 9.5

Happy hump day.

January 14

FREAKING JIM. I LOVE, FREAKING LOVE, JIM.

Today’s been a bit of a hectic day. I went to bed Monday at 12:20, I woke up Tuesday at 6, I got to the gym at 6:30 and made the 8:15 shuttle to Bellevue. New guy started Monday so he’s shadowing me and so the pace of getting actual work down has slowed down to a crawl. But he’s cool, and we are going to play chess together, and also has a bobblehead of LBJ on his desk and that’s one easy way to get me on your side.

Today also marks the first day of my second to last semester at USC. Exciting, but man do I feel ready to walk.

Design Chris is my professor for my main class and I could not be more pumped. I’ve never enjoyed anyone’s thought process and interactions more.

But in that class are some very dear friends of mine from USC. I do love seeing the network grow to the core few. And one of them is Jim. And man do I love having a Jim in my life.

Jim is successful. Jim is brutally honest. Jim has a cute little baby and a successful wife.

Jim is a standup guy.

I will probably work for him in the next few years. I am huge on following people who have lessons to teach and Jim comes carrying them. He just tells it like it is. And he likes me as a friend and peer and that makes me proud to a point I cannot describe. I genuinely feel unworthy. He was with me in projects and class and always said what a great experience it was and again, I just feel unworthy. He was with me through a breakup of a critical relationship in my life, through job changes, through my dog’s death, through rough times at work. He always knows what to say, and I will always trust he is right. If I could have him pick every decision for me in life I would without hesitation. Today he told me to QUIT MORE because there is no value in holding on to jobs.

Pause and reflect on that for a moment.

Moving on. I’ve been listening to Penn of Penn & Teller on a podcast while running or commuting recently and he had some little tidbits that stuck out to me as well. One was how much he wrote. Movie reviews. Book reviews. Notes on every conversation. And maybe it is just because I am trying to write more here, but that really resonated. And then he was talking about how writing notes on a conversation helped him engage with it a bit more, like he knew there were going to be things he would want to take note of, and I see my mind doing the same thing just one measly lil fortnight into the year.

He also touted himself for having a calmness and the ability to keep it without backing down. I don’t know where to place that information right now but I thought it was an interesting trait. Maybe I grasped on to it because I am coming to terms with my tendency to be a bit of a people pleaser, and that seems the opposite.

He used to perform in these street crowds and hearing how he collected the audience and got them to build themselves up naturally to a bigger audience was pretty cool. He didn’t shy away from the awkwardness of asking people to help him grow the crowd and had quirky ways to ask for change that just seemed disarming and charming. Even though by the time he was 30 he had a New York Times review about him and his partner’s show, he mentioned his best dressed time being his street performing and homeless days. He said he dressed so dapper to the point where the crowd should feel ashamed to donate anything less than a $20.

Psychology in play.
People are amazing.
Thank goodness for the Jim’s in our lives.

January 10

If you made it to this day and you work a normal M-F 9-5 like I do then congratulations because we made it to Friday on the first full work week of the year. Ain’t that something??

So the past few days I was real stuck on that TED talk about purpose, but it’s Friday and I’m feeling JUNKY. Let’s talk ~~~men~~~ shall we?

I want my work *friend* – we’ll call him – to invite me over tonight.
I want him to want to date me.
I want asked on a GD date and I want treated to a beer and maybe a game of putt-putt.

When we were walking home yesterday though I let it be silent. I’m always the talking one. I want him to figure it out. Talk to me. Ask me something. Say something that’s not work related and not sexual. What did he come up with after the awkward silence?

“How long now have we been working at the new building?”

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

I was disappointed at first, but you know what – he tried. And you know what’s even cooler? I’m realizing that for the first-time post-Avik break-up, I feel ready to date. I feel ready to try again. To support someone else, and make their priorities mine. I can’t wait to meet you, future partner. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I will promise to try to be good to you. And when I inevitably fail at times, take comfort knowing I’m beating myself up for every bad word, snarky comment, and stupid fault more. Ok, maybe don’t take comfort in knowing I’m faulty but more that I will recognize the issues to work on and I really will try. I will really try hard for you.

So, coworker aside, the future holds nothing but potential. Including this weekend. Off to wine country, Oregon for some R&R tomorrow morning.

Make it a killer Friday, y’all. Be bold.

January 9

Aaaaand good morning, Seattle.
 
Let’s pick up  where I left off last night. Passion, purpose, and multiverses. Because I am nothing if not a GD scholar and these are just my simple musings.

Let’s start pondering if multiverses were true. Imagine every possible side road you’ve ever wanted to venture was true somewhere. It’s weirdly cathartic and comforting just knowing that somewhere *I* actually *am* Beyonce.

So it’s a cool thought to think you could have multiple lives. And it’s even cooler to imagine that we live like we deserve that. Just even the possibility that it is true, no matter how wild or big, when I thought of that I started feeling more ownership over my life and I could see a path to where I act like I live like I am that Christine version from multiverse 3,129 where I have a super popular blog and everyone follows my every move haha. So it’s like this wild card life idea. We all have one, right? We all have big dreams we just brush aside. And this dude from the TED talk was saying students will come to him and a big trend he sees is that most people tend to be scared to act based on perception.

What if people laughed?
What if people judge?
What if people think it’s stupid?
What if we just decided to not care about that?

Also another cool thing was that this dude was so matter of fact saying that anyone could have a side hustle and my wheels were turning like, then what is mine???? Tell me!!!

If you haven’t caught on yet, a lot of what I’m feeling from this dude is focus on the stuff you like and who cares about the rest, right?

And by the way, if we have these multiple lives, doesn’t than mean we should have multiple plans? Not just 1 for life. Not just “get a job, get a hubby, get to babymaking, cash in the 401k.” But way more like “try this, go try this, randomly decide to try this” and then hopefully stay afloat financially lol. But there’s a side of Christine that really wants to take a summer off to go to Napa and learn about wine. There’s a side of me that wants to move to South America and start a smoothie stand.

But here I am, in Seattle.

But there are people actually living that life. There’s probably a small smoothie stand somewhere in Colombia started by someone like me but instead of thinking they just did it.

So back in Cleveland at my first job I had this friend named Will Gibson. Absolutely phenomenal writer. Avid reader. All around stand-up guy. Well there’s another Will Gibson in the world, naturally, and that second Gibson had a really cool quote I’m gonna drop here, but it just makes me so happy coming from someone sharing a name with someone I already love and appreciate. Stupid and sappy, huh? Anyways, second Gibson said “the future is already here – it’s just unevenly distributed.”

AKA if your dream is to give tours in Berlin – it’s already happening, you’re just not the one doing it. If your dream is to go to a party on a giant yacht – someone is doing it, it’s just not you. I don’t know if that’s more depressing or eyeopening but it’s definitely something.

But I remember meeting this girl who works the desk at an OrangeTheory gym and she had owned a little shop in South America and made bank doing it. I remember how excited and jealous I was. I remember wanting to get a step-by-step guide from her. I never followed up to ask her to coffee like I said I would to talk specifics because she was too chatty for my taste. But she had my dream.

Lesson being when you meet someone and something excites you, that is the feeling of all the cells in your body telling you to perk up, there’s something here for you, and don’t be silly and let the opportunity pass like I did. I guess I could still reach out, huh? I’ll have to go hunt that contact list, I totally forget her name.

January 8

I am so sick of waking up at 4 AM so I googled it to try to find out if other people have this issue but everything I got were these like inspirational “why you should wake up at 4 am every day” articles. Like, no, I do not need to see how my life will improve by waking up for 30 days at 4 AM because for some stupid reason my body wants to anyways and I will tell you I AM EXHAUSTED so don’t bait me with this productivity bullhack.

Gonna go cheat on chess and then take a call and will resume today’s journal post shortly.

I back! It’s 11 PM, I thought I lost this draft post, and I have a lot to tell. Look at me go!

San Diego man (we like him, but we don’t like the distance) being the absolute sweetheart he is sent me via text a TED talk of Bill Burnett, head of Stanford’s Design Thinking department and talking about life design. There were some hot takes lol.

  1. No plan for your life will survive the first test with reality
  2. Having a life passion is one of our society’s great dysfunctional beliefs
  3. There is nothing to gain by focusing on being “the best”
  4. Life is not linear: it’s not like step by step things get better, sometimes we have to deal with unfortunate circumstances.

And the whole time during this presentation the dude is laughing, he’s cracking jokes, like he genuinely is having a blast up there. And I gotta say, it makes you feel good reconigzing that so many people approach him with these issues that I, also, just like a student at Stanford, am struggling with.

But all answers and points he made were so human. Like instead of focusing on being the best, chasing the best, set yourself up a little better for success – just focus on wherever you are as a starting point for the very simple and key reason that that is where you are.

He had this image with 3 dots. 1 for who you are, 1 for what you do, and 1 for what you believe. Connecting the dots equals more “meaning making” which sounds a lot more fulfilling than an endless, sprawling search for passion.

Am I the only one who at this point is feeling like his reframing is helping already…?

Then, as I would expect of any institution that I would be intimidated to apply to, the dude starts talking about multiverses. Ya, why not take this metaphysical.

I’ll pick up here tomorrow. My tummy hurts and I am tired.

January 7

I was reading an article this morning and it mentioned Gwentyh Paltrow and how she adores her ex’s current girlfriend (Dakota Johnson, in case you are curious, and yes that is the 50 shades of grey lady). Anyways, she was saying that a lot of people find it odd that she can be so loving to Dakota. She said that she tries to think of the ampersand. Actually this quote is so good let me look it up verbatim.

“I always think of the ampersand sign – what else can you bring in, instead of being resistant to or being made insecure by? There’s so much juice in leaning in to something like that.”

That’s good right?? When I was seeing Rolling Stones dude, I had to sort of come to the same realization. It’s tough when you know there are other girlfriends in the mix, but if we can unlock the fear part of ourselves, what else can we unlock? And once we let go of that fear isn’t there something more powerful there? Makes you unflappable. And that seems nice.

Also, speaking of Rolling Stones dude, just like his sweet lil nickname, he’s back loooooool. Rolling right back in. Basically if you ever hear any one complain about being with someone who doesn’t want to commit but will spend the majority of their free time with you? That’s him. More commonly referred to in the wild as a “f*ckboi.” Last time in this dance I was real ensnarled, convinced love is just a power game. W

I’m trying to be really intentional with days and thoughts. I am trying to recognize when I go off into la la land daydreaming and reel it back. If habits are just the discipline that we fall back to, then who’s to say I can’t retrain my baseline work ethic at 28 years old?

There was something else I saw this morning on Insta from this dude I’m sure I’ll be posting more about. He posted a pic on why to take cold showers and the gist of it was ‘because they suck! and doing things that suck will make you a better person!’ — sounds like a crap life but like he ain’t wrong.

Despite a long night, I still got up and did a 25 min. run up a 15% incline so I’m coming for you, Tuesday.