February 17

I have 7 min and 43 seconds until my computer restarts to install updates so I’m going to try to get this done in that time period. I have been so bad about keeping up with this daily so I’m going to try to mentally recommmit to this over the next few days. It’s funny to see how excited I can be about an idea and watch the momentum just fizzle away over a period of …. 5? 6? weeks? Nutso.

Anyways, I had the laziest Sunday of my life. I did jack shit. And it was okay. I think I still made room for a lot of stuff I needed to do for school and socially so that feels like okay balance. I’m starting to see the value in one absolute lazy day, but I also am starting to feel like I need to shake up my routine because when you are on your couch for an entire Sunday watching Gangs of New York, you also have a lot of time to contemplate your life and I’m being a lil too lazy sometimes. I think part of it is procrastination. Like I know I have school work to do so I wait at home until the motivation hits. So maybe I need to work on that or just work on accepting that and hope that by accepting it I’ll actually find myself less stressed and hating myself less over this trait and just…change it.

My friend posted this quote on her ‘gram, and ya I know it’s cheesy, but it said:

“move different if you’re tired of the same outcomes.”

And I think that just sounds nice. Every day there are these little choices to make that could make all the difference, so instead of putting pressure on myself to make the big changes, I’m just going to focus on the small ones. Cleaning out the sock drawer when I want to watch TV or using Amazon Fresh to get groceries instead of Uber Eats. I can do that sometimes, for sure.

I’m at the end with 1 min and 32 seconds left. I’m pumped for today because I’m pumped for my workout and I genuinely love that fresh start feeling. Forgiving myself for my Sunday pizza and pancakes.

38 seconds left. I don’t have anything else for today. Chins up!

February 14

It’s Valentine’s Day.

I’ve got a date and a concert tonight which will be fun, but more than that, I have so many friends in my life I just love. Just adore. People I just see the good in. So thankful for that.

Sending texts to family and friends to say happy VDay and that I love them. Spreading the love.

We get to choose what we want to feel and what we chase to get those feelings. If you focus on love you follow those feelings that give you loce. We also get to choose what we don’t want to feel. Stay away from those bad vibes, baby.

Gonna get my run in, work hard and focus on gratefulness and love today.

February 13

Happy pre-Valentine’s Day! Happy Friday junior! What a day, what a life.

I’e been averaging 6.2 – 6.5 hours of sleep a night and honestly think I could sleep more but I’ve been prioritizing workouts over everything. Which I think is okay for now, I’ve never been so obsessed with working out. My favorite “non-scale victory” is that I genuinely am beginning to feel inspired to eat (mostly) well because I’m already seeing progress in my physique from working out and want to see how much improvement I can give to myself if I focus on diet, the part I’ve always struggled with. Not going crazy with it or anything, and still not eating totally clean, but I’m really focusing on upping my protein intake. But I am a little tired.

Shutting my eyes on the bus in between every paragraph I’m writing lol. So, ya, little tired.

While I was getting ready this morning, I was streaming Tim Ferris’ podcast episode with the absolute angel, Brene Brown. Everything she says is awesome. But I stopped at a few parts. Three I will pass along here.

  1. A question, posed by both: what is the line between self-acceptance and complacency? I think about this a lot, too. Like sometimes I want to be lazy. Other times I want to take on the world. How do you manage the balance? Tim mentioned setting up time for both. I think that is a fine way to embrace my sloth and superstar side.
  2. Tim’s quote: if you resist, it persists. I think for so long I had fought against my “bad” habits and felt shame from them, so maybe the approach is more acceptance?
  3. Brene on narcissism, which I am scared I have. She says it is the most shame based personality disorder and rooted in the ear of being ordinary. “Narcissism is not about self-love, it’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred.” SOUNDS RIGHT lmao.

Okay I have a headache so I’m peacing out. Went on what I thought was a date last night with a guy I’ve crushed on for a bit but guess what? ENGAGED. But he still giving the ~vibes~ you know? Asking to see my place (nope), asking to see me again for drinks (nope), asking how I got so pretty (thank you, but eff you). Shitty.

In love and loss,

christine

February 12

I’m on the bus to Bellevue, and just realized that I only brought 1 out of a need 2 shoes to change into after the gym.

Damn it. I’m gonna be that girl wearing sneakers with a cute outfit. There are worse things.

I noticed that I’ve been working at a slower and slightly less inspired pace at work. New guy on the team is so funny but works a little slower, and we joke around a lot, but I just want to get stuff done and go.

I’m going to try just for this week to be quick to action and get shit done. Do the same, let’s suffer together. Also trying to continue following my running program but also trying to be more forgiving to my ankle. Gonna lift and get a 10k and call it a day I think. Actually ate mostly clean yesterday, and feeling proud because for the first time in my life I’m not chasing a diet, but feeling inspired to eat cleaner so that my body runs better.

Anyways. Make it a great one.

February 4

Damnnnn I drafted this on Feb. 4 and it’s now the 10th and I haven’t written in FOREVER AHHHH. Here’s what dramatic Christine was thinking almost a week ago lol:

I feeeeeeel like I’m tired of living my loop. Do you ever just get tired of having to try your best at a job and life and diet and hobbies you’re just kind of “meh” about?

I can’t be the only one there.

Gary Vee would be all “you’re just at the start of your journey” and like yeah maybe he’s right. But that doesn’t help with the fatigue of fighting uphill you know?

I’ll try to be less depressive lol.

My ankle felt like it was going to snap while running Saturday so I took off Sunday, went to get slightly trashed while watching the Super Bowl, had a crying friend and bruised my wrist, ate mac n cheese and called it a rest day.

So much better than the depressing stuff than I was talking about earlier, right?? Looool. Okay so then my poor ankle. Monday I did cycling. Still hurt. Mind you, I am less than a month out from the half marathon so… yikes. So I’m trying to take it easy. Slept in today and then tomorrow I’m doing a Barry’s class instead of my treadmill workout but I freaking miss my treadmill. Trying to be good before a 12 miler this Saturday.

Okay now that Feb. 4 Christine is done I can tell you that the 12 miler was semi-successful. Like I got the mileage in but I had to stop to eat 8 miles in because my blood sugar was so low lmao. OOPS.

January Wrap-up

Well I got sick, so I took a break from writing. It’s the last day of the month, and I’m proud of myself for writing as many days as I did. It’s not easy adding a new habit, or changing a stubborn one.
I wrote a lot about men, and 31 days in, I’m happy where I am at with them and proud of myself for being okay diving into how much I apparently think about them. Men are pretty, why not?
I also worked a lot. To the point where I got sick from it. Mental exhaustion sickness. But man, am I feeling satisfied. Also ready for a shakeup.
Since the month is over, let me link you all to some of the things I talked about in the last month.
This is….the official….January wrap up.

Running App: #RWM http://www.runwithmeg.com/

TED talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SemHh0n19LA

Mac Miller Circles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4BFGSZ_1ls

Cold War Kids: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsKGWbFpLv0

Ryan Holiday: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/27/books/review/ryan-holiday-conspiracy.html

David Goggins: https://davidgoggins.com/

Gwyneth Paltrow: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/celebrity/latest/a30428812/gwyneth-paltrow-why-she-adores-dakota-johnson/

Penn Jillette: https://tim.blog/2020/01/09/penn-jillette/

Paula’s Choice acne spray: https://www.amazon.com/Paulas-Choice-Salicylic-Treatment-Blackheads/dp/B012A7KYME

The Ordinary skincare: Linked here (super long url)

January 23

Okay, okay so I’ve missed a few days. I’m still pretty proud of how often I’ve been posting. Big surprise but sleep has not come easy the past few days so last night I was in bed at 9 PM and woke up 5ish. Still feeling tired but way better after getting legitimate sleep.

I posted a butt picture to my Instagram last night and it is hilariously validating how many people liked it. Is this what it feels like to be an influencer??? Should I have been posting butt pictures all along?? Maybe posting pictures with myself in them isn’t as vain as I thought, maybe people genuinely like seeing what people are up to??? Crazy thought. I probably judge people’s post on the ‘Gram a little too much. I always assume it’s for validation, which, maybe it is.

And jokes aside, I think I’ll steer away from that. I don’t need others to prove my worth for me, and also, in a society that is hyper-attuned to sexual content, I think I should challenge myself to rise above it. I need to be intentional with little actions I take to make sure I’m setting myself up for success, not for seeking external validation. I will never be the hottest girl, but I am enough. I’ve done reflecting on fears I have from past partners who have strayed, and I think reminding myself, and hopefully reminding you all, that we have more to offer than our bodies, is a welcome comfort. I’m trying to lean into jealousy, and to recognize that if someone I was with or am with in the future has lust for someone else, all that means is that they are human. That does not mean they don’t also want to get it on with you, and it also does not mean that they’re going to stray. And if they do, you can survive that.

Work dude, as you may recall, added me on Facebook and so me, being psycho, went back in time to delete the stuff I didn’t find funny anymore. It was cathartic to have that clean slate feeling but also did you ever look back at stuff you wrote and think, “wow, I am such an idiot?” Because that’s exactly how it felt. Like I was trying to be funny but not landing it. I feel similar at work sometimes, like I try to act in charge but maybe I come off egotistical. Really trying to keep humility number 1. Especially with helping onboard the new guy, I want to make sure I don’t sound so cocky, and I definitely aim to peel that back. I’m getting better about recognizing it in the moment and try to adjust, though maybe I course-correct a bit too heavily. Like he had this idea and I was immediately like “nope” but then realized it could be interesting so then was like, “yes, let us definitely include this in everything from here on out” so, you know, just a bit drastic.

Basically, I want to be one of those people that have a great attitude at work and not one of the people that come off super cocky.

I also want to get back to being funnier. Since aging and become more of a corporate machine, I lost some of my humor along the way. Gotta fight for that back.

Final thought, when I get nervous, my brain just shuts down. Can’t think of funny stuff nor normal stuff to talk about. This includes around boys. So I noticed that I tend to make jumps in logic that maybe makes it hard for the people making me nervous to follow. Likely fixable if I just stopped caring so much what these men think of me, smh. And on that note, why spend time and energy on people that aren’t spending time and energy on you? It hurts and it sucks and their actions (or lack thereof) are showing where you are in their mind, so read their prioritization list they are hinting at: you ain’t at the top, so go to the people that do prioritize you. You are worth it, baby. (Talking to myself there, but also to you, my dear, singular reader. You are worth it, too, baby).

January 21

Reasons why I should not have Stitch Fix: I am too lazy to resend. Now $200 in on random clothes I don’t necessarily think I love or need. But like…I’m wearing one right now haha. I mean, if I’m not returning it and I spent money on it, let’s just dive in, right?

We had 2 back-to-back doc reviews this morning, so even though I had a rest day from running on Sunday, I took another today. Thinking of doing a 7 miler tomorrow.

I wanted to get really serious about nutrition this week, but had an Oreo Klondike and wine as a follow-up to dinner. So…baby steps.

What’s next in life. Work dude added me on Facebook. What does that mean?? Does it mean anything?? I don’t know. But we sat next to each other on the bus yesterday and I was thinking about how much I was struggling trying to think of something to say and I keep thinking back to Lady Sam from one of my old jobs. She could take to ANYONE about ANYTHING and so sometimes I have to try to channel her.

And then I realized, that’s kind of what I do. I have people in my life that I look up to. I learn from their qualities. And then I steal them. That’s kinda the way to do it though, right??

Class tonight.

January 20

Happy MLK day to my one reader out there.

Last night I stayed up working until midnight, but managed to get my butt out of bed at 5:30 to go workout. These next 2 days are going to be nonstop and I am already getting myself overwhelmed. Just the ever-expanding laundry list of stuff that needed actioned yesterday.

But, I knew I needed to get up early, and I did. And I sprung some bucks on a Barry’s class. Muy caro. But it was a fine workout. Did arm strength training and running intervals with a focus on sprints. And the instructor today during our sprints would say “bump it up .5, don’t overthink it” and that second part of her instructions, don’t overthink it, WHOA MAN. Like I need to apply that to everything. It was so simple. Just do it, don’t think about it, don’t stress about it, don’t worry about it. So I cranked up by that .5. Going to apply that “don’t overthink, just action” to work today. Go through that laundry list.

I also was like, “okay if I can run at 9.5 for a full minute I can write that case study, review 2 docs, and send off 100 emails.” LOOOL let’s seeeee! But I mean, good visualization practice, right?

Happy Monday, may it be the best Monday ever. As my first ever boss Pierre would say, “just f*cking do it or fall behind.”

Tough love lol.