I’ve been trying wildly over the past few weeks to mentally make space for new beau, right? Because for the first time in a long time I really want to try. I want to be a peak performance partner. So that is why I am going to TWO therapists. I am writing self-love notes. I am writing notes of gratitude over my partner. I am meditating on past hurt. I am looking at all the snips and snaps I’ve had with new guy and replaying those situations with how I wish I responded so I can better prepare for future situations. I’m documenting why I think I acted that way. I will sit and say affirmations of love and trust with him in mind. I am writing down my faults, and I am forgiving myself for them. I am writing down the traits I want to imrpove. I’m reading more, trying to increase vocabulary, trying to learn new facts to keep him engaged.

I. AM. TRYING. SO. HARD. But now, my mind is SO scrambled. And tired. It could be that all of this is kicking up dust from past hurt so it’s expected and just part of the process, but doesn’t negate my feelings of insecurities and fear, nor is it (yet) correcting my navigation of this new thing with assumption of failure in tow. And to be clear, I think the failure would be because of me. Because I’m snapping. Or nit-picking. Or finding the bad, not the good. Or being too emotional. I am trying so GD hard, yet I’ve never in my life felt crazier and more out of control.

I’m on night 2 of not sleeping over this self-imposed stress.

I am drained.

I don’t know the right tricks for calming the mind in times like this, or giving myself permission to not carry the weight of trying to make it work – and perfectly at that. I go into weekends with him telling myself “be loving, be kind, be giving” and maybe it’s asking too much from myself, to be that Stepford wife kind of support. Weekdays, we’re apart. And that honeymoon phase seems to be over. No more little videos in the morning from him, and I’m too scared to keep asking for more. I don’t want to be difficult, yet here am I, being difficult. I’m swinging from anxious attachment style during weeks, craving to hear he misses me, wants to see me, and then avoidant over the weekend because it’s too drastic a change in affection style for me to calibrate within that timeframe. And then Sunday morning comes and he is gone and I’m sitting, overanalyzing “was he rushing to leave?” and “am I being too much to handle?”

Also noticed I am “snapping” which is new for me. Like little things set me off in a mini-blaze. I’ll have a snarky response or put a rude face on. Started searching my childhood for answers. Root of all evil right? Well, my mother, as she put it, “showed love by being angry at me.” So I may have been conditioned to do similar and in this new territory, with more fear from past pains, while navigating excitement-induced stress, I may be using that as my crutch and off-the-cuff response.

That anger from my mother wasn’t caring love, but it was the next best thing available to me, I likely learned to associate intensity of emotion and expression with love and put myself in a cycle of reacting with high-voltage energy in my own relationships when I’m not feeling seen. I think my thought process is something like: if I cause a fuss, and my partner sticks around, this means I’m worth the fuss. Which … fine, cheap and temporary validation, but most definitely not ideal.

I am happy to know what I need to both undo and unlearn.
And while this sucks, and feels like a lot to handle, knowing and seeing this from myself is at least a start right?

Now let’s add infidelity into the mix! I had past boyfriends cheat so that’s VERY top of mind. Both of my long-term relationships. The last actually told me, “I wish you were Asian.” “I wish you looked like her.” “You can just cheat back on me and it’s even and we’ll be good.”

Like that’s some BS, yo. But that stuff sticks to your brain like honey on hair.

But you know what, I think I just need to let it go. I’ve carried that stain for years. I can’t help it. Worrying about it isn’t going to help it. And that happening, as much as I thought it reflected on me, it doesn’t. I’m not a dimmed light because my partner had and acted on lust for someone else.

In case anyone else deals with this stuff, here’s my learnings from this morning on trust and fear.

1. You cannot withhold trust while expecting your partner to be fully trustworthy. Put differently: you can’t build trust by practicing distrust.
2. Get rid of expectations. Expectations of partner’s behaviors and how you two should “be” leaves you both getting measured up to a performance standard, leaving only opportunities to fall short.
3. Trust is a verb and a noun. You do it, you be it.
4. Being a trusting person is first thing to work on. Seek being trusting because it’s an expression of self.
5. Sacrifice your need for your partner to keep you emotionally balanced.
6. With sacrifice of the above and general faith in each other, the relationship can have transformative power and help and heal you both.
7. Being hurt is an ever-present possibility. Screw it.
8. The pressure to make things work should be shared. You don’t have to feel that you need to be the one to make it perfect. This is not a one-way street. You both will be at fault at times. Embrace it, forget it, move on.
9. Pressure comes from everywhere. For my current situation, limited time together is making me anxious to make it “perfect” for him and it’s SO much pressure that it’s coming out the exact opposite way I intended. Recognize pressure exists, and then set it aside.
10. People will either fit into your plan and life or they won’t. Being upfront early on about needs and feelings is okay. It gives people a roadmap to see what this relationship will take, and see if they are okay with adopting it.
11. In moments where I’m tempted to react negatively because I interpreted a comment as negative or a jab, I will teach myself to take a pause, reframe it positively, and respond to the positive version I’ve created in my mind. What is the downside of expecting everything coming my way as meant to be positive? Idk so let’s experiement!
12. Sometimes we miss excitement of being single, sometimes we want a little excitement, so we add drama to our own. Find your ways of doing that, document them, and begin detaching yourself from old emotional patterns of thought.
13. “What ifs” are damning to relationships. Screw them.

Things to trust in:

1. Your capacity to affirm yourself. You are going to be okay….no matter what.
2. Understanding of struggles, doubt, and conflict keeps you centered.
3. We are built to be resilient to continue giving and receiving love.
4. Change needs freedom as much as it needs boundaries. Relationships need freedom to grow.
5. You nor your partner should be idealizing each other, but rather, embracing flaws (and the good stuff, too!)
6. You have the power to elevate the relationship, even in spite of the 100 issues listed above, and the 100 other possible insecurity combinations.

Finally, in watching and reading about couples’ experiences in therapy, here’s a reassuring theme I found:

All partners said they could probably piss their partner off in 3 words or less. (So, we’re not bad people if we irritate others). The important part is to work on understanding how to build your partner up, or make them feel secure, seen, and loved, in the same timeframe.

You are loved, you are worthy, and you are more than your flaws.

Here’s to hoping for restful sleep tonight.