You have to keep trying, keep working on being present, keep dealing with present uncomfortable feelings, keep building new habits that focus on in-the-moment presence and contentment and gratitude, all while you are still working on accepting the uncomfortable feelings that have made a home in your mind.

You have to just keep going. And you have to go forward with intention to TRY. It’s hard, it’s a lot, but it’s worth it. It has a guaranteed pay-off, so just keep going and trust the process.

Right, so, stupid adderall. I don’t have a problem with it, not addicted, taking it as prescribed, but I wanna be off. But I recognize that it changes and has changed my brain chemistry, and I can’t afford to deal with a week or a month or more of feeling lethargic. So, attempting to research how to transition off with the help of supplements.

Documenting my learnings in the hopes of someone being able to use this someday, because DANG has it been hard to find solid resources on this.

I guess it’s because supplements and prescriptions – that should probably be a regimen with doctor intervention. I will call out here…I am not a doctor.

Here’s the baseline you need to be working on:

Drink a ton of water, eat well, get 7-8 hours of sleep. Exercise, do yoga, do meditation. Eat things like sage, bone broth, cocoa, black currant, lime/lemon in water. Want a double whammy? Try drinks like Lokai Focus. Be kind to yourself. Etc.

Here’s some supplement options you can take in the morning on an empty stomach (probablyyyy not all of these – this is just what I’ve researched and found most people referencing):

Iron
Zinc
MCT oil
ALCAR 500 – 1000mg (BEFORE)
NA-R-AIA 150mg
B12, B8 (~300)
L-Theanine if edy, 200
Mag. L-Threonate
Vit D
L-tyrosine (500-1000) then CDP Choline (250-500)
Theracurmix
Vit. B
Ashwaganda – 1.25 g. daily
L-Theanine 200 mg
ALCAR
Cordyceps – before/after exercise
Citicoline – 425 mg., up to 90 days
Mucuna Pruriens – 200-500 , 4-5 days/week
Vitamin C – 10 g spread
Vitamin D – 5000IU
B12, B6
L-Glutamine
Adapt-232
NAC
Zinc
DLPA – 500 mg
Lion’s Mane
Min Chex from Standard Process – 30 min before meal

Then here is our list of what we can have with food/fat:

Omega-3
Theracurmin, 2 x day for 1 year
CoQ10
Noopept

How to supplement at night:

NALT
Magnesium
GABA
L-Tyrosine 1 hour, 500-1000
If under 25 mg. of B6, take 25-50 Pyridoxal
Magnesium Glycinate

And then here’s some I’m unsure how to fit in so far:

Rhodiola + Schisandra (ADAPT-232)
Gaia Adrenal Health
ALCAR – 2g for 3 weeks (hard on liver)
Reseratrol – no more than 2.5 g/day
Just Blue by Troscriptions
Crystal Clear Supplements – Adrafinil
Smart Mode + Unfair Advantage – Bulletproof

Now, vitamins get expensive. So I am trying to focus on what I have at hand.

Here’s my current morning list: Mucuna Pruriens 1000mg, L-Theanine 200 mg, Recoop Balance, NAC 600 mg, Saffron Mood Boost from Life Extension, L-Tyrosine 450 mg, Garden of Life Brain Health, Bonafide Ristela, Huperzine-A 200 mg, Genius Burn (again…not all of these, and many are getting pretty near empty.

And my afternoon/with food list: Vitamin D, Athletic Greens, Hello.me, Bonafide Multivitamin, Adrenal Support by 1 body, Adrenal Restore by 1st Phorm, Calm Day by Nutritional Frontiers, 5-HTP, and Omega-3.

And my night list: The above listed magnesium, 200-400 + some CBD 🙂

I’m eating a banana before I workout, and Club EarlyBird preworkout upon waking. Keto coffee around 10, bone broth around noon, veggies and hummus for daily snacks, and protein based meals for dinner. I’m still not eating enough calories, yet.

I’ll be updating you all as I test and try stacks, timing of medication, and food stuff. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

I last wrote about my struggle adjusting to a long distance relationship, as well as getting myself off adderall. Oh, ya, and nicotine.

Homeboy and I had a talk yesterday, and I broke down. He was out of quarantine, loving his new life, and I was rapidly feeling deprioritized. A small thing, but I remember being super frustrated that our last few weeks together were so indoors, and so much of the time he was on his phone playing Words with Friends. He’s out of quarantine, and the game he was addicted to, he hasn’t touched in days. Meanwhile, I’m at home, waiting for a text, waiting to hear from him, feeling pathetic. I was getting angry at the comparison of him being with people adjusting to the new life, enjoying a new country, being happy and me being alone, isolated, and in the same walls I’ve come to hate since working from home.

I was getting snippy and sad and didn’t know how to ask for attention, and so turned to frame it as a seedling of resentment. I would tell him how I was feeling, and he would repeat it back like he understood….and then just move right along. Without addressing it, without really caring about me it felt like.

As I went to bed, I thought, “why am I responding this way? What’s really going on?” and realized that the root cause was, like it often is, from an early wound. My mother would not give my emotional needs the time of day. To get attention, things had to be a big issue or dramatic enough to catch her eye. I was trying to do the same with J. I was causing a scene because I wasn’t confident enough to ask for what I needed, and I had to remind myself that I deserve to be loved the way I wanted.

To his credit, he left our conversation frustrated, but I woke up to some understanding texts and keen insights on his part about how he handled the transition. I had to offer a similar apology, and say that I will work on being more direct with my needs. That was cool. Sometimes, you gotta do work on your own thoughts to evaluate what’s driving them, and trust that your partner will do the same.

I’ve been dating J. for 11 months, and he is 3 weeks into a 6 month trip to Thailand and I’m fighting it, I’m sad, I’m jealous that he gets to experience all this new stuff and be surrounded all day with people who are adjusting to their new normal life while I have to adjust to my side of the coin alone.

Which, ya, that is shitty. Shitty for me to feel, but also shitty as a partner.

I’m sick of feeling so BLAH.

I picked up smoking in quarantine. It’s been almost 2 years. I drink. I feel stuck and unable to ween off adderall.

I’m choosing to embrace the shittyness. And work on it. Let’s see how it goes.

So, day 1, it’s Sunday, I just got back from Waikiki yesterday. I’m exhausted. I’ve been getting up at 5, working until 4, playing and surfing and eating until 10, and then staying up until 1 or 2 am to talk to J. I’m tired, I want to be lazy but I have emails to send so I have to fight the fog and the massive urge to binge eat and go back to bed.

I’m also watching the new Cinderella and at first I was rolling my eyes at it but yooo I’m into it now (queue inspirational music number about seeking out a life more aligned with dreams).

So today, I promise to the internet. I promise to send that email, to buy those gifts, to do the laundry, and at least walk around or do something to engage the body.

Cool, thanks, have a good one ☝️

Yesterday I shared a glimpse of the history between my mom and I, and I’ve been thinking about our relationship a lot. I see figuring out the knots to untangle in this relationship is likely one of the healthiest things I can do for my mental wellbeing.

A massive life milestone that many, well, most people want is to have childrens. It’s a thing they know, feel, and want. They’ve known, felt and wanted it for a while. I have not. I have actually said out loud, to many, that I do not want kids. I’m recently finding myself asking, “why?” Why am I so against this? Why did this start? Why don’t I feel the maternal instinct? Did it just not kick in for me yet? Will I regret it if I do have kids? Will I regret it if I don’t?

They’re some big questions. To me, it’s the first time I’ve realized that my internal biases, potentially harmed or scared from parent-child experiences and relationships I’ve seen, is distorting “core traits.” I always thought it was as clear as some people want kids, some don’t. Now, I’m thinking it’s a decision more closely tied to our fears and beliefs. Fears being: am I able to raise a kid successfully? will I hate them, or emotionally harm them? and beliefs being: I’m not motherly, I will be unhappy, etc., etc., etc.

It made me feel mentally strong to reframe and find a new perspective to look at this topic, especially since it is one I had assumed was finalized for me. It’s a bit scary, though, to realize that I may have to dig into some mind stuff and get a little ugly with what I pull up. What, you may be thinking, could be so scary about digging deeper?

Well, dear subscriber, the scary bit comes with the thought that maybe my “professional drive” is to keep me distracted from “family drive.” Maybe the big professional goals and personal desires leaned extra heavy in the success direction as a way to protect or distract me from the family goals. And by diving deep to explore this possibility, am I then exposing myself to something that may rock the boat in my mind too much? Will this change everything for me???

Guess you’ll have to stay tuned in to find out …. 🙂

STRONG 30 Update

If you’ve been following my blog, you know I’m working on a new program for myself called the STRONG 30.

For now, this version is meant to recalibrate my mind, body and spirit and shake off some of the covid-inspired languidness I’ve been blanketed myself in. Based on wins and woes of the program, I’ll be tweaking the “core” version I’m doing now, but I’ll also end up splitting it into a few versions and tiers to help me stay on track with major goals I have.

But for now, for today, let’s review the goals and yesterday’s progress. If you’ve read my stuff, you likely get a sense of my crudeness that I let peak through every now and then. With that disclaimer, the acronym I’m currently using to track daily progress of my program is WANKER. So, let’s go over what a WANKER I am below!

My goals: As a reminder, W-A-N-K-E-R is an acronymized version of my goals.

W is for water (and caffeine, trying to balance hydration & caffeination). I’ve set a minimum threshold of 2 qts. of water daily and aiming for capping daily caffeine levels at 200 mg.
A is for alcohol & addy. My goal is to return to my no alcohol on weekdays rule, limiting it only to Friday night and Saturday. Since Covid, I’ve also been relying on Adderall for work, so want to start phasing off, and limit myself to 25 mg a day, and only if needed.

N is for nicotine, my stupid, unbelievably dumb vice. I will have zero puffs, and zero smokes. Telling myself 30 days – that’s all I gotta go! And then I’ll work out next steps later haha. Okay I’m getting tired of typing let’s address last few, then, pitter patter, lets get at ‘er.

K – Knowledge : spend 30 min each day LEARNING – can be reading, audiobooks, podcasts, piano, language, or a random YouTube video. keep it fun and keep engaged with the brain.

E – Exercise : strength train 3-4x in a week for min. of 30 min, run or walk 2x for a min of 45 min, pole 3x per week for minimum of 10 min, 1 active rest day where I at least stretch for 15 min.

R – Reflect : focus on peace, on developing strong core values, be thankful, take pause and see the good.

Let’s cover how yesterday went:

W – Water & Caffeine : solid water intake, 3 qts worth, happy results. Caffeine was probably high…

A – Alcohol & Addy : had 1 low calorie IPAs, and another 4-5 addy day UGH

N – Nicotine : I had none! But wanted some! Yay!

K – Knowledge : I read…does that count?

E – Exercise : booty day in the gym, baeeee!

R – Reflect : did some mid day and late night meditation, happy mind, happy me

Today is my mom’s birthday. Call your mom.

When I look back at my history, a lottt of the trauma and mind drama that I deal with today came from this relationship. I spent years angry with my mom, annoyed with my mom, blaming my mom…. not liking my own mom. I recently had a moment where I pictured myself as a little girl. I remember feeling down about my body, I remember wanting friends, I had a secret world in my head where I was the main character in a movie and I was a badass, I was smart and sharp, I had it all, I did it all. I was fiercely independent.

And I got so sad, looking at that younger version of self. I wanted her to see how much we have going for us. It’s kind of in line with those younger-year dreams, you know? I’m not too far off. I have enough to feel happy about to know she would be proud of who we have become, and what I have done with those dreams she had.

Then, I did the same exercise. But I did it for my mom. I imagined her, as a little girl. Full of dreams. Harboring insecurities, possibly – maybe just like I did. Hope fueled, just like me. Dreamed big, for what she knew of life, just like me.

Maybe I’ve spent my entire life combating my mom because we are so similar. Even with extremely differing opinions on major life matters…. maybe our core is the same. It was such a tender moment, seeing her as vulnerable, seeing where her life went, knowing her struggles and what she gave up.

I loved that exercise so much, because it opened my heart and allowed me to be soft and vulnerable. I’ve been blocked with that relationship for so long, and that was a serious breakthrough for me. Hoping for someone here, maybe it can have the same effect.

Let’s now get down to the daily update on my Strong 30 program. I am really digging that whenever I have a cig craving I say “hey, just 27 more days and you can have one.” It makes it easier in the moment to combat the craving, but about 2-4 weeks in, I’ll start adding in some more anti-smoking rhetoric that’s more focused on “by quitting, I’ve gained x,y,z” but for now, this is doing the trick to ween me off.

STRONG 30 Update

Let’s go over what a WANKER I am ha ha ha ha silly acronymssss.

My goals:

W – Water & Caffeine : minimum of 2 qts. water ; aim to reduce caffeine intake to 200 mg by end of 30 days

A – Alcohol & Addy : no alcohol during week, no more than 30 mg of Adderall throughout days

N – Nicotine : zero. none. no cigs, no puffs, no tolerance here.

K – Knowledge : spend 30 min each day LEARNING – can be reading, audiobooks, podcasts, piano, language, or a random YouTube video. keep it fun and keep engaged with the brain.

E – Exercise : strength train 3-4x in a week for min. of 30 min, run or walk 2x for a min of 45 min, pole 3x per week for minimum of 10 min, 1 active rest day where I at least stretch for 15 min.

R – Reflect : focus on peace, on developing strong core values, be thankful, take pause and see the good.

Let’s cover how yesterday went:

W – Water & Caffeine : solid water intake, 3 qts worth, happy results. Caffeine was under 400 mg, which is better than yesterday – by 200 mg! 3 coffees, and 1 kombucha.

A – Alcohol & Addy : had 3 low calorie IPAs, but wanted to have 0 during week – so, big oops ; had 1 more addy than I wanted. Actually maybe 2….yikes. Gotta cool it.

N – Nicotine : I had none! But wanted some! Yay!

K – Knowledge : I listened to an audio book while walking? Does that count?

E – Exercise : long walk, about 75 min.

R – Reflect : did some mid day and late night meditation, happy mind, happy me

Well yesterday was first day of my STRONG 30 program!

My goals:

W – Water & Caffeine : minimum of 2 qts. water ; aim to reduce caffeine intake to 200 mg by end of 30 days

A – Alcohol & Addy : no alcohol during week, no more than 30 mg of Adderall throughout days

N – Nicotine : zero. none. no cigs, no puffs, no tolerance here.

K – Knowledge : spend 30 min each day LEARNING – can be reading, audiobooks, podcasts, piano, language, or a random YouTube video. keep it fun and keep engaged with the brain.

E – Exercise : strength train 3-4x in a week for min. of 30 min, run or walk 2x for a min of 45 min, pole 3x per week for minimum of 10 min, 1 active rest day where I at least stretch for 15 min.

R – Reflect : focus on peace, on developing strong core values, be thankful, take pause and see the good.

Let’s cover how yesterday went:

W – Water & Caffeine : solid water intake, 3 qts worth, happy results. Caffeine was under 600 mg, which is fine to start.

A – Alcohol & Addy : had 2 low calorie IPAs, but wanted to have 0 during week ; had 1 more addy than I wanted

N – Nicotine : I had none! But wanted some! Yay!

K – Knowledge : read for 45 min, great success!

E – Exercise : killer back & bis workout as well as 30 min on the pole

R – Reflect : did some introspection & meditation, happy mind, happy me

Today we are starting “Strong 30” – which is a program I made up 🙂

Since I picked up bad COVID habits (smoking, drinking, being massive sad girl)… I’ve decided to revamp my life and suck up 30 days of work in hopes of kick starting healthier habits.

Maybe you don’t smoke, maybe you (also like me) take in too much caffeine, maybe you just need an excuse to stop beign caught up in the lazy depression haze of COVID. If so, join me!

Here’s how I have outlined the Strong 30:

• no nicotine
• caffeine intake under 500 mg
• turn off screens by 9:30 pm
• do work stuff during work hours, and home stuff and errands over lunch or after work
• no alcohol Sunday through Friday night
• 30-60 min of exercise every day
• Spend a minimum of 5 min learning a day
• Get 2 “to-do” items done every day
• Think happy

Nicotine is just a great way to feel something during these numbing times. Never pick up a cig if you haven’t already.

Caffeine is a toughie. I have steadily increased intake, so this goal, for me, this means 2 pre-workout scoops for ~130 mg caffeine, 2 cups of coffee for ~280 mg, and the rest from either tea or decaf drinks.

The other stuff are just bad habits that have crept in or good habits that have crept out.

I’ll try to clean this up to make it a program anyone can follow, and maybe there are options to build version of it. Like: strong 30 fitness or strong 30 mindset.

Anyways, may your Monday be strong! 🙂

Today’s the day I try again.

As COVID hit in 2020, I slowly took to cigarettes, then nicotine replacements like mints and gum, then vapes, then back to cigarettes. I quit for a month and then, in a moment of weakness, gave in and doubled down on them HARD.

Today, I try again.

I don’t feel ready, I don’t feel like I want to give up the cig buzz.

But, I’m sick of wanting to quit. The quicker I quit, the quicker I give up the distraction of thinking of and wanting a cigarette.

So, I’m calling it a Strong 30. 30 Days, I’m going to not smoke. I’m going to not lean into sweets or alcohol to replace it. I’m going to watch caffeine intake. I’m going to focus on walking, moving, stretching more. 30 Days, knowing I need to be strong. Knowing it’s going to suck. And knowing it’s worth it.

30 Days, and then I’m free. That’s the goal, babes.