Yesterday I shared a glimpse of the history between my mom and I, and I’ve been thinking about our relationship a lot. I see figuring out the knots to untangle in this relationship is likely one of the healthiest things I can do for my mental wellbeing.
A massive life milestone that many, well, most people want is to have childrens. It’s a thing they know, feel, and want. They’ve known, felt and wanted it for a while. I have not. I have actually said out loud, to many, that I do not want kids. I’m recently finding myself asking, “why?” Why am I so against this? Why did this start? Why don’t I feel the maternal instinct? Did it just not kick in for me yet? Will I regret it if I do have kids? Will I regret it if I don’t?
They’re some big questions. To me, it’s the first time I’ve realized that my internal biases, potentially harmed or scared from parent-child experiences and relationships I’ve seen, is distorting “core traits.” I always thought it was as clear as some people want kids, some don’t. Now, I’m thinking it’s a decision more closely tied to our fears and beliefs. Fears being: am I able to raise a kid successfully? will I hate them, or emotionally harm them? and beliefs being: I’m not motherly, I will be unhappy, etc., etc., etc.
It made me feel mentally strong to reframe and find a new perspective to look at this topic, especially since it is one I had assumed was finalized for me. It’s a bit scary, though, to realize that I may have to dig into some mind stuff and get a little ugly with what I pull up. What, you may be thinking, could be so scary about digging deeper?
Well, dear subscriber, the scary bit comes with the thought that maybe my “professional drive” is to keep me distracted from “family drive.” Maybe the big professional goals and personal desires leaned extra heavy in the success direction as a way to protect or distract me from the family goals. And by diving deep to explore this possibility, am I then exposing myself to something that may rock the boat in my mind too much? Will this change everything for me???
Guess you’ll have to stay tuned in to find out …. 🙂
STRONG 30 Update
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I’m working on a new program for myself called the STRONG 30.
For now, this version is meant to recalibrate my mind, body and spirit and shake off some of the covid-inspired languidness I’ve been blanketed myself in. Based on wins and woes of the program, I’ll be tweaking the “core” version I’m doing now, but I’ll also end up splitting it into a few versions and tiers to help me stay on track with major goals I have.
But for now, for today, let’s review the goals and yesterday’s progress. If you’ve read my stuff, you likely get a sense of my crudeness that I let peak through every now and then. With that disclaimer, the acronym I’m currently using to track daily progress of my program is WANKER. So, let’s go over what a WANKER I am below!
My goals: As a reminder, W-A-N-K-E-R is an acronymized version of my goals.
W is for water (and caffeine, trying to balance hydration & caffeination). I’ve set a minimum threshold of 2 qts. of water daily and aiming for capping daily caffeine levels at 200 mg.
A is for alcohol & addy. My goal is to return to my no alcohol on weekdays rule, limiting it only to Friday night and Saturday. Since Covid, I’ve also been relying on Adderall for work, so want to start phasing off, and limit myself to 25 mg a day, and only if needed.
N is for nicotine, my stupid, unbelievably dumb vice. I will have zero puffs, and zero smokes. Telling myself 30 days – that’s all I gotta go! And then I’ll work out next steps later haha. Okay I’m getting tired of typing let’s address last few, then, pitter patter, lets get at ‘er.
K – Knowledge : spend 30 min each day LEARNING – can be reading, audiobooks, podcasts, piano, language, or a random YouTube video. keep it fun and keep engaged with the brain.
E – Exercise : strength train 3-4x in a week for min. of 30 min, run or walk 2x for a min of 45 min, pole 3x per week for minimum of 10 min, 1 active rest day where I at least stretch for 15 min.
R – Reflect : focus on peace, on developing strong core values, be thankful, take pause and see the good.
Let’s cover how yesterday went:
W – Water & Caffeine : solid water intake, 3 qts worth, happy results. Caffeine was probably high…
A – Alcohol & Addy : had 1 low calorie IPAs, and another 4-5 addy day UGH
N – Nicotine : I had none! But wanted some! Yay!
K – Knowledge : I read…does that count?
E – Exercise : booty day in the gym, baeeee!
R – Reflect : did some mid day and late night meditation, happy mind, happy me
C-B-Doing Thangs 