April 28

Today is my mom’s birthday. Call your mom.

When I look back at my history, a lottt of the trauma and mind drama that I deal with today came from this relationship. I spent years angry with my mom, annoyed with my mom, blaming my mom…. not liking my own mom. I recently had a moment where I pictured myself as a little girl. I remember feeling down about my body, I remember wanting friends, I had a secret world in my head where I was the main character in a movie and I was a badass, I was smart and sharp, I had it all, I did it all. I was fiercely independent.

And I got so sad, looking at that younger version of self. I wanted her to see how much we have going for us. It’s kind of in line with those younger-year dreams, you know? I’m not too far off. I have enough to feel happy about to know she would be proud of who we have become, and what I have done with those dreams she had.

Then, I did the same exercise. But I did it for my mom. I imagined her, as a little girl. Full of dreams. Harboring insecurities, possibly – maybe just like I did. Hope fueled, just like me. Dreamed big, for what she knew of life, just like me.

Maybe I’ve spent my entire life combating my mom because we are so similar. Even with extremely differing opinions on major life matters…. maybe our core is the same. It was such a tender moment, seeing her as vulnerable, seeing where her life went, knowing her struggles and what she gave up.

I loved that exercise so much, because it opened my heart and allowed me to be soft and vulnerable. I’ve been blocked with that relationship for so long, and that was a serious breakthrough for me. Hoping for someone here, maybe it can have the same effect.

Let’s now get down to the daily update on my Strong 30 program. I am really digging that whenever I have a cig craving I say “hey, just 27 more days and you can have one.” It makes it easier in the moment to combat the craving, but about 2-4 weeks in, I’ll start adding in some more anti-smoking rhetoric that’s more focused on “by quitting, I’ve gained x,y,z” but for now, this is doing the trick to ween me off.

STRONG 30 Update

Let’s go over what a WANKER I am ha ha ha ha silly acronymssss.

My goals:

W – Water & Caffeine : minimum of 2 qts. water ; aim to reduce caffeine intake to 200 mg by end of 30 days

A – Alcohol & Addy : no alcohol during week, no more than 30 mg of Adderall throughout days

N – Nicotine : zero. none. no cigs, no puffs, no tolerance here.

K – Knowledge : spend 30 min each day LEARNING – can be reading, audiobooks, podcasts, piano, language, or a random YouTube video. keep it fun and keep engaged with the brain.

E – Exercise : strength train 3-4x in a week for min. of 30 min, run or walk 2x for a min of 45 min, pole 3x per week for minimum of 10 min, 1 active rest day where I at least stretch for 15 min.

R – Reflect : focus on peace, on developing strong core values, be thankful, take pause and see the good.

Let’s cover how yesterday went:

W – Water & Caffeine : solid water intake, 3 qts worth, happy results. Caffeine was under 400 mg, which is better than yesterday – by 200 mg! 3 coffees, and 1 kombucha.

A – Alcohol & Addy : had 3 low calorie IPAs, but wanted to have 0 during week – so, big oops ; had 1 more addy than I wanted. Actually maybe 2….yikes. Gotta cool it.

N – Nicotine : I had none! But wanted some! Yay!

K – Knowledge : I listened to an audio book while walking? Does that count?

E – Exercise : long walk, about 75 min.

R – Reflect : did some mid day and late night meditation, happy mind, happy me