Okay, okay so I’ve missed a few days. I’m still pretty proud of how often I’ve been posting. Big surprise but sleep has not come easy the past few days so last night I was in bed at 9 PM and woke up 5ish. Still feeling tired but way better after getting legitimate sleep.
I posted a butt picture to my Instagram last night and it is hilariously validating how many people liked it. Is this what it feels like to be an influencer??? Should I have been posting butt pictures all along?? Maybe posting pictures with myself in them isn’t as vain as I thought, maybe people genuinely like seeing what people are up to??? Crazy thought. I probably judge people’s post on the ‘Gram a little too much. I always assume it’s for validation, which, maybe it is.
And jokes aside, I think I’ll steer away from that. I don’t need others to prove my worth for me, and also, in a society that is hyper-attuned to sexual content, I think I should challenge myself to rise above it. I need to be intentional with little actions I take to make sure I’m setting myself up for success, not for seeking external validation. I will never be the hottest girl, but I am enough. I’ve done reflecting on fears I have from past partners who have strayed, and I think reminding myself, and hopefully reminding you all, that we have more to offer than our bodies, is a welcome comfort. I’m trying to lean into jealousy, and to recognize that if someone I was with or am with in the future has lust for someone else, all that means is that they are human. That does not mean they don’t also want to get it on with you, and it also does not mean that they’re going to stray. And if they do, you can survive that.
Work dude, as you may recall, added me on Facebook and so me, being psycho, went back in time to delete the stuff I didn’t find funny anymore. It was cathartic to have that clean slate feeling but also did you ever look back at stuff you wrote and think, “wow, I am such an idiot?” Because that’s exactly how it felt. Like I was trying to be funny but not landing it. I feel similar at work sometimes, like I try to act in charge but maybe I come off egotistical. Really trying to keep humility number 1. Especially with helping onboard the new guy, I want to make sure I don’t sound so cocky, and I definitely aim to peel that back. I’m getting better about recognizing it in the moment and try to adjust, though maybe I course-correct a bit too heavily. Like he had this idea and I was immediately like “nope” but then realized it could be interesting so then was like, “yes, let us definitely include this in everything from here on out” so, you know, just a bit drastic.
Basically, I want to be one of those people that have a great attitude at work and not one of the people that come off super cocky.
I also want to get back to being funnier. Since aging and become more of a corporate machine, I lost some of my humor along the way. Gotta fight for that back.
Final thought, when I get nervous, my brain just shuts down. Can’t think of funny stuff nor normal stuff to talk about. This includes around boys. So I noticed that I tend to make jumps in logic that maybe makes it hard for the people making me nervous to follow. Likely fixable if I just stopped caring so much what these men think of me, smh. And on that note, why spend time and energy on people that aren’t spending time and energy on you? It hurts and it sucks and their actions (or lack thereof) are showing where you are in their mind, so read their prioritization list they are hinting at: you ain’t at the top, so go to the people that do prioritize you. You are worth it, baby. (Talking to myself there, but also to you, my dear, singular reader. You are worth it, too, baby).
C-B-Doing Thangs 