January 3

How the heck am I supposed to know my life’s purpose and with what time am I supposed to discover new hobbies and passions to find my way there?

Crossing the bridge to Bellevue now and it is my favorite part of the daily commute from Seattle. Glassy water and a towering mountain in the background. All blue and white and gorgeous. There are some lovely moments in life.

Turns out M. (bestie from Cleveland/Madrid days) is feeling quite similarly about life and purpose. Why is it when we feel so lost we want to jump to another country? Is that what we are actually supposed to do? Are we getting “called”? Or are we seeking distraction? Are we just so desperate for a shake up that we are willing to go to the most random and uncomfortable spots on earth working odd end jobs to Eat, Pray, Love ourselves a little bit?

I saw a David Goggins post yesterday about motivation. He’s no B.S. and I love it. He called himself out. He was giving himself excuses: he’s working towards his goals, he’s putting in time, he’s reading the right stuff. This is when he wasn’t seeing results. Then he realized he’s lazy and somewhere in the back of mind is okay with being mediocre in life. I think that’s me too. I think I have to fight the same demon. I feel too comfortable. But it sounds exhausting putting in all the time to make the big life changes doesn’t it? And what if you take 1 step forward in 1,000 different directions? You’re just doing a shuffle that constantly finds you back at square 1. But as many an Instagram post reminds me, it’s the journey not the destination. Which sounds like a pleasant answer to not making it in life, but whatever. Positivity and what not.

3 days in and I actually looked forward to writing this this morning. I had a string of thoughts yesterday during the day and at night I remember wanting to include in my next morning’s note, but I don’t remember them now. And that’s okay. Just feeling like I can even look forward to a daily task is a refreshing feeling. We shall see how long it lasts for.

I truly put effort in to trying to sleep last night and got 7 hours. No eating past 7, no screens past 7, cleaned and read and made tea. All that and 9 mg of melatonin and a girl can sleep. Who knew? Didn’t give myself enough time to workout this morning but still got 15 min in that gym so taking that as a win. And actually kind of enjoyed the night? I felt productive instead of lazy? When you think of just leaving work and coming home to watch tv it feels a bit sad. When you replace it with chores and reading I felt accomplished and tired.

Feeling a bit like a lost and uninspired puppy treading water, but trying desperately to be positive and find tiny moments to be grateful for.